I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
