I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
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