But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
