420 ftw
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
