If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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