well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
