How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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