i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
