i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
