apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
