you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
