My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
