haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
