That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
