I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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