who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize