You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
