I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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