He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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