also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
