I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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