I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This baby is an asshole
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
