haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
