You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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