who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
