one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
