I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
