I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i need some magic done to my vagina
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
