yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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