There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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