It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
