i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
