I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
