I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
