Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
