She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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