I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
