Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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