i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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