Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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