I love black thongs
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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