If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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