Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
