I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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