sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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