Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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