and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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