she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
