I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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