remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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