i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
