i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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