Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
