No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
