I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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