I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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