When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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